She's Trying to Ruin My Life

It's official. Oprah hates me and she's making my life miserable. Here is a list of things that have happened to me in the past two days:

• A bird crapped on my leg while I was laying out at the pool. Not a tree for miles and yet a bird managed to crap on my leg thus ending pool time.
• After the crapping incident I decided I should do laundry. The washing machine quit and won't drain. Now I have a washer full of water and heavy duty towels. A workman can come on Wednesday to take care of this for me. This opens up a whole new can of worms. I can only imagine that by Wednesday I will have a swarm of malaria and West Niles Virus carrying mosquitoes nesting in my washing machine.
• My router went out, then the cable went out. No internet and no TV. I had also just finished the two books that I was reading. How the hell am I supposed to entertain myself without TV, internet or books? I went to bed, curled up in the fetal position and waited for the world to come to an end.
• I scorched the skin on my upper thighs and knees during my pool time. Who the hell sunburns their knees?
• I cooked three meals all of which were so bad I wouldn't have made my worse enemy eat them. I would however, make Oprah eat them. One of them was a recipe that I found for grilled shrimp that was marinated in tequila. The recipe sucked. Worse than that though I wasted good tequila. Wasting good tequila is never ever ever ever acceptable.

I got to shake this bad juju/karma thing I've got going on. I speed date tomorrow night. I can't have this hanging over my head. This has enough potential for disaster on a good day. Mix in some bad juju or karma and I'm totally screwed. It will be a night of men that live with their mothers and cats and have a keen interest in making a new suit out of my freshly sunburned skin. I'm thinking of burning some sage and walking in a circle backwards three times while chanting a Miley Cyrus song to rid myself of the bad spirits. That or killing Oprah. I haven't quite decided yet.

Game On

I will be speed dating next Tuesday. I mulled it over for awhile and decided why not. There's nothing on TV now and my evenings seem to be free. It's a new age group, 28-44 so now I'm on the lower side instead of the higher side. That has to be a plus. The only draw back is that the event is at 8:30. If you are my friend over on facebook you know that by 8:00 I'm looking at my bed and drooling. (If you aren't my friend over on facebook, why aren't you? I don't bite....very often.) But, I guess I can be a big girl for one night and stay out past my bedtime. If nothing else at least I will have something to blog about. I'm sure there are lots of good stories just waiting to be told! I promise a full re-cap next week. Again, I will need questions to ask the potential suitors so leave them in comments!

Bummer!

I got a call on Friday afternoon that due to so many last minute cancellations my Speed Dating event was cancelled. I have to say I was a little disappointed. You guys gave me some really good questions to ask and if nothing else I was looking forward to messing with those guys' minds. I loved Melissa's question about the bastard beasts and I'm still gagging a little about the moist food brought up by Suzanne. I'm going to save those particular questions for my next date. (That is if I'm not to old to remember my own name by then.)

I need to take a second to give Kathi D a tiny piece of advice. If someone has a show on TLC you shouldn't copy their hair! Please for all things holy do not grow that backward Kate Goselin mullet out into a Duggar mop. I cannot be held responsible for this!

You all know my great love for Miss B. I've made no qualms about the fact that if she lived closer to me I would make her sit on a shelf in my house so I could pet her hair everyday. Some say crazy obsessed, I prefer adoring fan. Anyway......Miss B has done it again. She has come up with yet another brilliant idea. This time she is playing teacher and we all get the chance to be the pupils! I made a promise not throw spit wads and she agreed to let me into class as long as I sat up front so she could see my hands at all times. She also threw in something about me not making any sudden movements. Our first assignment was to represent the word "sunshine". She clarified that we were not to go out and take an actual picture of the sun resulting in burned retinas. I like that she is looking out for me. That's the sign of a good teacher! This is what I turned in.

I love combination of the bright green Lemon Balm leaves and the dainty pink Cora Belles. It represents sunshine to me for two reasons. The morning sun was so pretty on my garden this morning that I couldn't help but smile and also because as I was taking the pictures the sun was warming my back. Warm sun on my back is one of my favorite things in life. It's been unusually cold this spring and so to feel that today was really nice. Here's another picture that was a contender. I liked the way the sun was playing on the leaves.

I'm excited to see what everyone else turns in. If nothing else it will be fun to see everyone's interpretation of the assignment. Thanks Miss B for doing this. I know you're a crazy busy girl and you need to take on one more project like Lindsay Lohan needs to drop a few more pounds. I appreciate you giving your time for a project like this.

P.S.
Does anyone have a good pasta salad recipe? I'm tired of the same old same old Italian dressing over corkscrew pasta. I need something new. Help!

Remember Me?

Where in the world have I been you ask? I've been right here all along. I haven't stopped reading any of my peep's blogs. I just haven't been writing any posts of my own. I missed a couple of days and then it turned into a couple of weeks and the next thing I know it's been a couple of months. I honestly didn't realize it had been that long. But, don't worry I'm back. Thank you to everyone who commented and emailed me wondering about me. The blogging community is so sweet!

Now let's address a few things........apparently while I was off doing God knows what other than writing on this blog the world has flown off of it's axis. What the hell is going on with the Goselin family? He said, she said, his affair, her affair. Geez! Give a family a TLC show and it all goes to hell in a hand basket. It's not like they are Jessica and Nick. Kate actually knows what Chicken of the Sea is! And this isn't even the worst of it. The worse part is that Kate is now delusional. She somehow thinks that other people want her hair. Seriously Kate?

I don't think that's quite true. Her hair and her blush application techniques almost make that show impossible for me to watch. If they didn't have cute kids I would be done. I have to tell you though.....if this bat shit crazy woman and her whipped into submission husband can't make it because of a TLC show I'm scared to death for those Duggars. I can't take it if Jim Bob starts showing up at clubs with younger women and letting them drive his bus. It would just be too much. (Someday, in another post, we must discuss that older boy that got married. Holy virginal mess I have a lot to say about that!)

And next, what is going on with Miss California, and why is Shana Moakler, of all people involved in this? I am not a fan of Miss California but, this whole story is just wack-a-doodle. I faithfully watched Meet the Barkers and I know for a fact that Shana can barely get out of bed long enough to make it to the bathroom, let alone hold down a job with the Miss California Association. Is someone trying to pull my leg here? When did Shana Moakler become the moral compass for California?

Now, if I wanted an opinion on pluming I would totally go to her first. She is obviously an expert in that field. However, does she really have any right to be mad at poor Miss California for having racy photos leaked on the internet? And of course just to make it wakier, they have to go and throw in Donald and his comb over. This really is a joke right? Why does any of this matter? It might just cause me to have an aneurysm if I have to read anymore about it!

I know that a lot of you haven't slept since my last post about the Neutrogena 14 day Skin Rejuvenation. (Or whatever it's official name is.) Many of you were very interested to know how that turned out. I have to say that I would buy it again and I would use it again. This time though, I would actually read the instructions so that I didn't have fourth degree burns under my eyes, and scare small children and co-workers. I think if you read the instructions and use it correctly it is well worth the money and the pain. I give the product two thumbs up! Now rush right out and buy it.

Lastly, because I'm in the worst dating drought in the history of man-kind, I'm going speed dating on Saturday night. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm very freaked out because the age range is 21-34. In case you didn't know I'm on the high side of that age range. All I can think is that there are going to be a bunch of 34 year old guys looking for 21 year old girls and I'm going to be the oldest female there. I envision the men asking if they actually have to talk to "the old one" or if they can just use their 7 minutes they were supposed to be with me to get another drink from the bar. I think I signed up for this after I had been drinking because I would never with a clear mind have done this. But, I have to go and I'm going to need some questions to ask them. Here is what I have so far:

1. Are you a serial speed date killer?

2. Do you own or have access to any 55 gallon drums?

3. Are you currently on the run from the law for any links to suspicious disappearances?

4. Does the line, "She puts the lotion in the basket" mean anything to you?

Besides that I got nothing. Maybe you can help me out. Leave questions in the comments. I promise to give a blow by blow of the event on Sunday. (If one of them hasn't made a suit out my skin before then.)

Turn Away From Me.......I'm Hideous!

I'm a whore for facial products. If you put battery acid in pretty packaging I will smear it on my face. Ask Karen. She will testify that I do not shy away from acids on my face. For many years I was a Jan Marini whore and Karen and I used to "experiment" with those products all the time. We would rush back to work the next morning to tell each other how bad it burned and how fantastic we thought it was. I am not a wuss when it comes to burning my face off. When I saw this product I knew I had to try it.

Apparently part of the skin rescue plan is to burn your face to the muscle and then grow a new face. Holy mother of Jesus! Jan Marini's glycolic acid and retinol has nothing on these products. I'm on day 6 and I'm scared of what is going to happen by day 14. I'm either going to have kick ass skin or I'm going to have open oozing sores. I'll keep you posted.

As for Stan, I've been dragging my feet on getting rid of him. He hadn't emailed in a few day so I thought maybe he died. No such luck. He sent me a desperate email yesterday saying he thinks that his work is blocking my email because he hasn't been getting my emails. He then gave me two other email addresses that I can use. He said he hoped that he hadn't upset me by saying that he was intimidated by me. All he meant by that was he thinks I'm too good for him. Ugh, shy and low self esteem. Thanks for all the comments from my last post. They made me laugh. I'm now going to send him an email telling him that I am entering a burn treatment center after an unfortunate facial product accident and I won't be able to contact him anymore. Wish me luck!

In Need of Help

Someone asked me to kindly update my link to their blog a couple of weeks ago and I said I would do it that day. Then I got busy, then hungry, then sleepy, then busy again, then I saw something shiny, then it snowed, then the sun came out, then I had to put the trash out, then AI came on, then the Real Housewives. You get the point. I procrastinate. So I'm very very sorry Jules! But, today I finally got it done. I have updated my blog roll and I think that all of the links are correct.

Now that we have that cleared up I need some help. Or more like I need some advice. And who better to give it to me than all of you? I recently joined an online dating service. I've been on Eharmony or eHarmony or eharomonY or however the hell they spell it with no luck. Everyone on there had just gotten sober and found God. Apparently not drinking for three hours constitutes sobriety on that site. I would ask them to email when they had gone a week and I never heard from any of them again. That went no where. Whatever. I had just paid them a small part of my tiny nest egg to find me love based on 29 Dimensions of Compatibility. I didn't join another online dating service for about a year. Just before Thanksgiving I found an interesting off the beaten path site that I joined. (I'm not going to tell you what it is because I want to spare you peeing in your pants from laughing at me. Let's just say it's not this site.) I found a guy and eventually went out with him a couple of times. He ended up being a douche bag and I think he died because he stopped calling. RIP Douche Bag.

I took my profile down after Christmas and then put it back up a couple of weeks later. This time I found another guy. Let's call him Stan. (Not his real name.) Stan had a trial membership and didn't have a picture up. I sent him a "flirt" and asked for a picture. He said he didn't have a recent picture but sent me a picture from three years ago with the promise that he is even better now. He didn't upload the picture correctly and it was tiny. I could barely see him but, he had two arms and legs and appeared to be standing up-right so I gave him extra points for that. He then gave me his personal email because his trial membership was only good for three days. We started corresponding daily via email. He doesn't have Internet at home so he can only email me from work. Fine. Whatever. I quickly learned that grammar wasn't one of his top skills in life. I'm no English major but, I do know that every sentence doesn't end with a question mark. Do you know how hard it is to read something that has a question mark at the end of each sentence? It took me forever to read those emails because I had to read each sentence over and over again to figure out what he was saying. I found it aggravating. I also found it aggravating that he continually told me that he didn't feel like he could be himself in his emails because he was sending them from work.

So after weeks of emailing and him not feeling like he could be himself I thought maybe we should move on to talking on the phone. In spite of his fetish for question marks we seemed to have a lot in common and I was interested in seeing where it could go. We exchanged numbers and he said he was very nervous to call me. I said no problem wait a couple of days and then call. He seemed okay with that and said he would call me on Sunday. Sunday rolled around and I actually forgot about him calling because I was excited for the Grammy's. I got a text from him that evening saying he had a cold and that he couldn't call. I was mildly annoyed as this was now the second time that he put off calling me. Monday morning he apologized for not calling and said he would "try again this week?" to call. He sent me another email yesterday saying he could possibly call this weekend but, that he was still really nervous because I intimidate him a little.

Frankly, I'm bored with this guy. We have moved past the "shit or get off the pot" phase here. All I can think about is if he is to nervous to call me how many dates will it take for him to kiss me? I can't handle a mamsy pansy guy like this. I need a take charge kind of guy. I don't want to have to call him. For once I want the guy to call me. To WANT to call me. So this is where I need your advice. I need to get rid of Stan but, I'm not sure of how to do it. Part of me wants to just stop communicating with him and let that be that. The other part of me says that's mean and I wouldn't want someone to do that to me even though they have. Lots of times! So what do I do? I've only emailed him. It's not like we have been dating. Hell, I don't even know really what he looks like or what his voice sounds like. Please help me send Stan on his way. And if I could not wreck my own Karma in the process that would be great also!

P.S.
Miss B is having an awesome give away. She's calling it the Bright Side Project. The goal is to lift your spirits and she is hitting that goal everyday! Go check her out and spread some love.

Something Isn't Quite Right Here

Something is wrong with me. Even more so than usual. I have evidence.

1. American Idol is annoying me. I'm talking full on nails down the chalk board annoying. I used to live for the initial try-outs. It was the best two weeks (or how ever long they last) on television all year. Now, I can't bare to watch them. I've had to turn them off every night they've been on.

2. Jeana's sons about made me gouge my eyes out last night. I had to stop watching that too.

3. I've stopped drinking wine and started drinking milk. Numbers one and two might be tied to this. (That would be numbers one and two on this list. Not the other numbers one and two. Those are a different story for a different post.)

4. Peanut butter makes my stomach hurt now. I've eaten PB for years and now it makes my stomach hurt. Do you think I have salmonella?

What is it doctor? What's the bad news? Is it fatal? Am I going to have to stop......gulp......watching TV?